I Want to Live

I am faced with a difficult decision. After speaking with my physician yesterday about my option in regards to the ankle, and the possibility of disability of disability, I should either go to UW Madison to discuss a revision of the ankle fusion, go to Froedert to discuss ankle replacement, or continue as I am. Dr. Rosic suggested discussing the surgery before applying for disability, which he said is difficult to get now. To apply I would need to see a doctor that Social Security mandates. I would agree to that. There are risks to surgery, such as it may not solve the pain (in another fusion); it could affect the kidney, such as the first did, which is why Dr. Limoni suggests doing it in Madison; it could not heal properly, especially with the medications I take; it could lead to an infection and amputation.

Last night, in a passion, I wrote on how I want to live, while I can. It is painful to walk, but then it is painful when stationary. If it is painful, whatever I do, then I should domore than I have for the past three years. This stage has made clear to me I may not have much more time that I can endure the pain to walk, so I should live while I can. There are times to set aside all the physical and financial concerns and live. As I listen to music memories are recolleced, and the last I lived was three years ago. I consider the future, and which option will allow me to maintain, not improve, my condition, and I’ve got to gather more material before all I have are memories.

I will suffer for my actions. I will bring flowers into the office this morning. There are better, more practical purposes for the money. It will be painful to walk the grocery store to get the flowers, and to stand to put them in vases. But I will not complain because it is my choice.

Christians believe suffering serves a purpose. I don’t know. I’m going to suffer, whatever I do. The pain that results from my living serves a purpose.